JAYS ARE BUILDING NOT REBUILDING

With spring training only one month away and opening day at the beginning of March, I have dedicated a whole instalment of TGTBTU to the Blue Jay’s roster. If you don’t like the Jay’s screw you and stay tuned for more meaningless posts about boobs, balls, and boners.

THE GOOD:

With Frasor an almost sure thing for opening day closer, his support crew will include Downs, Carlson, Camp, Tallet, Roenicke, Hayhurst, Janssen, Accardo, Zinicola. In my opinion, the bullpen looks pretty good even with the missing tattooed fastball throwing arm of Brandon League.

Aaron Hill and Adam Lind will be returning after career years. Aaron is an all-star second baseman with a bat handcrafted by angels. Adam will likely return as DH to bag more homers than Lurleen Lumpkin.

Shortstop pick-up A. Gonzalez looks poised to be a decent addition to the Jays left-infield. He had an all-star appearance in 1999, won a ring with Florida in 2003 and has a career .247 batting average. He is only around for a year but hopefully, by the grace of the baseball gods, we could see John McDonald somehow get some pop in his bat because he stops more balls than (insert sluts name)’s chin and is one of the fan favorites here in Toronto.

THE BAD:

With the Doc gone, one possible starting rotation is Romero, Marcum, Morrow, Rzepczynski, and Cecil, with Richmond, Purcey and McGowan also available. This is highly tentative though because almost all of these guys other than Romero could easily make or break their job in spring training.

 

THE UGLY:

In order to become a contender in the impossible AL East, every position must be cemented with a Grade A player. Though newly signed former Royal John Buck is good for a few homers and a decent average, he is only here for one year and doesn’t even really have a back-up let alone a replacement.

The only sure thing in the outfield is that Vernon Wells will be standing in centre field eating Spitz with one hand down the front of his pants. He is the perfect example of why seven year contracts don’t work. Last year, his blatant laziness produced many dropped balls and a stretch of 41 games without a homerun. Do you ever wonder why during a 0-for-21 spell he never gets mad or throws a helmet? It’s because he plain and simple does not give a fuck. If I was going to make $12.5 million this year regardless of stats, I wouldn’t try that hard either…. oh wait….. yes I would.

 

 

LOST SEASON 6 – FIRST FOUR MINUTES ONLINE

I’m a huge Lost fan, so when I found the first four minutes of next weeks season premiere online I thought, “I need to post this”. Then I watched it and realized that it’s three and half minutes of things we’ve seen before and fifteen seconds of something new. If you want to check it out go here, for everyone else, here’s a picture of Anna Kournikova. Look she’s playing her tennis racket like a guitar, clever stuff.

FRIDAY FREE-FOR-ALL

Saturday is hockey day in Canada and Sunday is the men’s tennis final down under. Today is the day we hit the pub, drink Keith’s and eat burning hot wings. So lets get to it.

1. Ottawa over Montreal -145 – Alfie and the boys look to win their franchise record ninth straight. They’ll get it done on home ice here as they continue to get stellar goaltending and timely goals.

2. The Canucks over the Leafs –150 – The Canucks fly into to Toronto on Saturday looking to keep their win streak alive. No surprise here as they keep rolling and the Leafs keep sliding.

3. Pro Bowl over 54 1/2 – The NFL made a huge move this year, moving their annual all-star game to the week before the Super Bowl. I love the fact that it’s at the same location as the big game but I hate the fact that no one’s playing in the big game.

4. Federer over Murray –180 – I remember two years ago the guys over at PTI said that Roger Federer was done and he wouldn’t win another Major. Since then he’s won three and been in the finals at the two he lost. Look for him to pick up major number six-teen this weekend, and if we aren’t already, lets start calling him the best ever.

HOW TO PEE WITH MORNING WOOD

As men, we often wake in the morning with what most scientists call “morning wood”. Us laymen call it “nocturnal penile tumescence”.

In 2005, Bancroft hypothesized that,

The noradrenergic neurons of the locus ceruleus are inhibitory to penile erection, and that the cessation of their discharge that occurs during REM sleep may allow testosterone-related excitatory actions to manifest as NPT.

Question is, how do you pee with said morning wood without painting the bathroom walls and ceiling?

One theory, as illustrated above is the lunge.

I use the bend over forwards as far as I can, trying to bend the NPT downwards.

What do you do?

And what is another cause of morning wood? Oh ya! It’s this web site. HERE YOU GO!

“Prepare to have your nocturnal penile tumescence chopped down like a tree.”

LET’S GO STREAKING!!

Some big winning streaks going on in the NHL right now. The Sens and Capitals have both won eight in a row while the Vancouver Canucks aren’t too far behind with six consecutive victories. Over in the NBA our beloved Raptors have overcome trailing double-digits to win four straight and the Calgary Flames have even jumped on the band-wagon, starting a nice streak of there own.

COMIN’ FOR THAT NUMBER ONE SPOT!!

The HMB? Crew has made another appearance at the Wingporium, searching for the position of General for THE BIG PAULBOWSKI on the Wall Of Flame.

I officially witnessed TBP throw back a full pound of the Black Mamba wings in less than 5 minutes.

In related news, here is 5 reasons why the IPAD SUCKS:

No camera, no USB, no multi-tasking, no flash, no VOIP, to big to bring, to small to use, no disk drive, touch keyboard, half the hard drive my Zune has, huge bezel, fingerprints, no hdmi, no dvi, 4:3, nice eyes, hmb?

Thanks to BRAD HICKS for the pic.

3-D IS THE NEW 2-D

Big news out of Hollywood today. The guys over at Aintitcoolnews are reporting that 2010 is the year that 3-D is going to take over. Building on the success of Avatar, a couple of of other movies coming out this year will be done entirely in 3-D. First will be the Clash of the Titans. followed up by the final two parts of the Harry Potter saga.

I think the real question on everyone’s mind is where’s the 3-D porn?

A DOUBLE SHOT OF MORNING SEXPRESSO

In  Washington state last year, five drive thru coffee shops were shut down and charged with….. prostitution, after customers complained that they could give the girls extra money for a little bit of a show.

Like if i was offended by something I wouldn’t pay someone to do it, go home, salute the general and two soldiers while I think of it, clean up, and then phone in a complaint to my local police department.

In fact, I would probably pick up a three-a-day coffee habit just to support these girls who are obviously just trying to make their way through medical school hooker college my pants.

THE HOTTEST WING I EVER ATE

Location: Duffer’s @ Mission Creek Golf Course in Kelowna
Date: June 26, 2008 @ 19:43:11 PST

Now that the setting is set the story begins.

Once upon a time there was a little boy. This little boy was out at the local pub for some Keith’s and chicken wings. A friend working at the pub recommended that he try a certain hot wing. (#3 on THIS list of the top 10 hottest sauces)

A singular wing was brought along with a waiver, a manager, and several kitchen staff.

I will cut to the chase and say that the little boy signed the waiver and ate the wing in a few swift bites. The ensuing physical, mental, and emotional battle was one of the most intense situations of the boys entire life.

Drool pooled in the boys mouth until he could hold it no longer, releasing it over the edge of the patio and onto the practice putting green. Dry-heaving, the boy ran to the washroom, only to vomit nothing but fire air for what felt like an eternity.

Returning to the patio table, Keith’s was drank faster than bottles of water in Haiti. Eventually, by drinking water and milk, the pain finally left the boy’s mouth leaving him dizzy and out of breath. With heart pounding and lips swollen, the boy returned home where he was laid to bed.

However, this is not where the story ends.

I will save my literary expertise on the description of the following morning’s events.

Needless to say, the little boy missed a day of work and slept most of the day away on the bathroom floor.

Why did the boy do this to himself? Who was he trying to impress? Why does he continue such activities?

COMING SOON: THE BIG PAULBOWSKI TRIES TO CLIMB THE RANKS OF THE WALL OF FLAME BY EATING AS MANY BLACK MAMBA CHICKEN WINGS AS HE PHYSICALY CAN!!

KEEP ‘EM COMING

Just wanted to thank some of you for sending in pictures and comments that you thought we might like to post. If anyone has any good stuff for us send it to HMBeers@Gmail.com and we’ll give you a shout out. Just try to keep the nipples covered…there’s kids browsing.

FOR THE GAMERS

If you’re like me, then you’ve been spending way too much time lately playing COD: Modern Warfare 2 and ignoring your girlfriends. Lucky for us the people over at Flop Culture have designed a new controller, allowing you to spend time with your online buddies(HMB?) and your girl.

(Thanks to Dre for the Pic)

MORNING WOOD

Here at HMB? we love Alexander Keith’s and chicken wings. Since beer is a whole lot sexier than chicken wings, the first ever instalment of Morning Wood is some lovely ladies from Alexander Keith’s.

How many beers would it take for the ugly one?

Which one IS the ugly one?

Note: Morning Wood was posted at 6:32 AM EST while you were still sound asleep.

“WHO JERKS IN A SNUGGIE?”

Another friend of HMB?, Blayne Badge can be seen here sporting beige one-piece pajamas and an Alexander Keith’s.

It hasn’t been updated since 2007, but you can see all Blayne’s prior work over at IMDB.

He has most recently worked in the electrical department on the CBC hit show, The Border.

Blayne is best known for his work in the 2005 Scavenger hunt where he snorted  two rails of vodka and pooped on a hamburger bun.

In further “FOR THE LADIES” news, Justin won the poll for what people want to see more of on HMB?. His new column is up at USA TODAY.

A FRIEND IN NEED IS A FRIEND INDEED

On the weekend before world renowned stoner holiday April 20, the First Annual Western Slope Cannabis Crown will be held in Aspen, Colorado. The event will feature a huge festival/party with music and speakers.

The most important event of the day is the Cannabis Crown itself. It is a grow-off between 400 of the top legal growers of medical marijuana in Colorado, which if you read THIS you will remember includes a wide variety of people.

But seriously, who is gonna judge this thing? I hear the panel includes Bob Dylan, Kevin Smith, Seth Rogen, Matthew McConaughey, the Kool-Aid Man, and Michael Phelps with Ross Rebagliati in the room but not smoking.

Looking for comments…. How many beers? or weed? or beers AND weed? Oh darn, I’ve gone cross-eyed.

14 IN 14

The Toronto pedestrian death toll has climbed to 14 in the past 14 days. Read the last sentence carefully as this is a death toll, not an “I got hit by a car and broke my leg poll”.

I did the math and with the amount of walking I do around the city, odds are I will be dead by the end of February.

Hopefully, once my untimely demise is complete, HMB? will live on and no more pics of uber-hot Canuck’s girls will be photoshopped to be Flame’s fans.

But really, who’s at fault in these accidents? Quite clearly both driver and walker need to OPEN THEIR FUCKING eyes, cross on walk signs, don’t blow red lights, don’t talk on cell phones and text while travelling, don’t run to make a light (there will be another one), and most importantly, a rule we were all taught as toddlers…

LOOK BOTH WAYS BEFORE YOU CROSS THE STREET!!!

There are a lot of bad drivers out there, but you gotta be pretty fucking dumb to step out in front of one of them.

TRY USING THE RED PAINT BUCKET ON THIS ONE!

BEERS TO YOU!

SERIOUSLY, HOW MANY BEERS?

CHECKMATE!

Hold on Canuck fans, here’s a picture of Chantel Elloway, a huge Fla…. Wait a second…..

CANUCKS WIN, FLAMES DROP TO 9TH

Cranbrook, BC boy Brad Lukowich scored the winning goal and Henrik got two more points (now 6 ahead of Ovie) as the ‘Nucks took down Buffalo 3-2 to win their fifth straight.

Vancouver is now tied with Colorado for the lead in the division and 3rd in the western conference.

Meanwhile, the Calgary Flames lost their 6th in a row. Hopefully Captain Canada is just pretending he sucks and this 11 game streak with no goals and only 2 assist is over by the Olympics.

Not that it matters anyways, pretty sure Jerome is a 4th liner and won’t see much ice time.

To celebrate the Flame’s loss Canuck’s win, here is a pic of Chantel Elloway, a Vancouver model with a flair for Canuck’s jerseys and DB’s (see her MySpace). 

Good luck finding a Flame’s girl that looks like this. If you do, link it in the comments and HMB? will send you a free tissue and hat that says “I’m a loser”.

RUMOUR MILL HEATS UP

Lots of trade rumours around the NHL right now, we’re at the halfway mark of the season and teams pretty much know what they’re working with…

1. Kovalchuk Sweepskates – Things in Atlanta are really heating up. It looks like a foregone conclusion that the Russian sniper and face of the franchise won’t be around after the trade deadline but where’s he going to end up? The two front runners right now are Calgary and Chicago with Boston and LA making it known that he won’t go to a contender without a fight.

2. Dion Phaneuf – Speaking of the Flames, the talk on the redmile is that Dion has worn out his welcome and the Team is trying desperately to dump him, his salary and Elisha Cuthbert. So could we see a Dion for Kovalchuk swap?

3. Toronto Maple Leafs – On Saturday Brian Burke made it known to the whole league that the leafs are still in the hunt and that they won’t be sellers come the deadline. The Leafs are in desperate need of another goal scorer but do they have the young talent and draft picks to get a player like Kovalchuk?

4. Amare Stoudemire – I know that us Canadians don’t really care about basketball but there’s noise coming out of Phoenix right now that Amare is on the block. He says that he wants to go to a contender and apparently the Cavs are very seriously looking at picking him up.

5. Defensemen not named Dion – It looks like the Ducks have given up on the season as Scott Niedermayer appears to be headed back to the East Coast. And today the Oilers made it official that Sheldon Souray is available to the highest bidder, although he has a no-trade clause so he can veto any move made, sadly, his wife will be leaving with him.