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AND THE NOMINEES ARE….

 

The Oscar nominations were announced today and the big surprise is the highest grossing comedy of all time, The Hangover, being nominated for best picture. The rule around HMB is; if a movie has beer and strippers then it’s got our vote, good luck guys.

PROPER DOMAIN NAME COMING SOON!!!

That’s right!! The HMB? Crew has purchased a domain name and hosting from a reputable Mexican provider.

It is going to take a couple days for us to get the new site up to our incredibly high standards.

Speaking of standards, here is your new motto:

IF SHE DOESN’T MEET YOUR STANDARDS, LOWER THEM.

This helped me through the first 25 years of my life and I shall pass the knowledge on to the masses. One good way to lower your standards is with a nice, cold, Alexander Keith’s.

See you at the pub.

HOW MANY BEERS?

HMB MAKES AN ANNOUNCEMENT!

Well not today, actually HMB will be making an announcement tomorrow, until then I’ve got to know. How Many Beers NOT to?

IT IS NOW TIME TO PUT ON YOUR 3D GL’ASS’ES

HMB? asks and we receive. After TBP’s expose piece on the coming of 3D movies, we were left asking “Where is the 3D porn?”

Well thanks to HMB? fan Jeremy Brown, a story of the first 3D boobs was dropped on my doorstep.

It seems that Italian film director Tinto Brass is poised to create Italy’s first 3D film and the world’s first 3D porn.

Best known for his 1979 film Caligula, Brass plans to make the new film about a Roman emperor ruined by Americans (with only penises as swords).

With this new advancement in technology there is only one piece of advice: WATCH OUT FOR THE 3D MONEY SHOT!! (no homo)

HOW MANY BEERS?

Because no weekend could be complete without it…Seriously, How Many Beers?

BANANA OF THE WEEK

I know, I know. Rafa left his quarter-final match against Andy Murray because he injured his knee, but to me, tennis without a Nadal-Federer final is like a Sunday without Tiger making a charge. I just don’t want to see it. We’ll give Nadal the benefit of the doubt this week and give him a  runner-up reward, the real Banana of the Week goes to…

34 players dropped out of the NFL’s annual Pro Bowl on Sunday, they actually phoned me and asked if I’d like to punt. I would have too, if it wasn’t for my Call of Duty addiction

WHAT JUST HAPPENED? – WEEKEND IN REVIEW

I woke up on Sunday afternoon and couldn’t believe what I was reading on the internet. It seemed that the hockey Gods were working overtime and wanted to give us something to talk about. So here we go…

1. Phaneuf and Cuthbert join the Leafs – Two years ago he was the second coming of Al MacInnis, now he’s a Maple Leaf. Big weekend for Toronto, as first they blow a three goal lead and then they trade half their team.

2. Winners keep Winning – The Canucks kept their winning streak alive as did the Caps and Sens. Watch out for Thursday night as Van City brings the Sedin show into Ottawa.

3. #16 for Fed – Roger won his record 16th major early Sunday morning. He easily handled Andy Murray on his way to the record books.

4. Edge Returns – For all you wrestling fans, the Royal Rumble was on Sunday night. Canadian Adam Copeland aka Edge made his return as a surprise entry into the Rumble. Edge had been out since rupturing his achilles tendon last year. Edge came into the Rumble as the second last entry and eliminated John Cena for the big win.

JAYS ARE BUILDING NOT REBUILDING

With spring training only one month away and opening day at the beginning of March, I have dedicated a whole instalment of TGTBTU to the Blue Jay’s roster. If you don’t like the Jay’s screw you and stay tuned for more meaningless posts about boobs, balls, and boners.

THE GOOD:

With Frasor an almost sure thing for opening day closer, his support crew will include Downs, Carlson, Camp, Tallet, Roenicke, Hayhurst, Janssen, Accardo, Zinicola. In my opinion, the bullpen looks pretty good even with the missing tattooed fastball throwing arm of Brandon League.

Aaron Hill and Adam Lind will be returning after career years. Aaron is an all-star second baseman with a bat handcrafted by angels. Adam will likely return as DH to bag more homers than Lurleen Lumpkin.

Shortstop pick-up A. Gonzalez looks poised to be a decent addition to the Jays left-infield. He had an all-star appearance in 1999, won a ring with Florida in 2003 and has a career .247 batting average. He is only around for a year but hopefully, by the grace of the baseball gods, we could see John McDonald somehow get some pop in his bat because he stops more balls than (insert sluts name)’s chin and is one of the fan favorites here in Toronto.

THE BAD:

With the Doc gone, one possible starting rotation is Romero, Marcum, Morrow, Rzepczynski, and Cecil, with Richmond, Purcey and McGowan also available. This is highly tentative though because almost all of these guys other than Romero could easily make or break their job in spring training.

 

THE UGLY:

In order to become a contender in the impossible AL East, every position must be cemented with a Grade A player. Though newly signed former Royal John Buck is good for a few homers and a decent average, he is only here for one year and doesn’t even really have a back-up let alone a replacement.

The only sure thing in the outfield is that Vernon Wells will be standing in centre field eating Spitz with one hand down the front of his pants. He is the perfect example of why seven year contracts don’t work. Last year, his blatant laziness produced many dropped balls and a stretch of 41 games without a homerun. Do you ever wonder why during a 0-for-21 spell he never gets mad or throws a helmet? It’s because he plain and simple does not give a fuck. If I was going to make $12.5 million this year regardless of stats, I wouldn’t try that hard either…. oh wait….. yes I would.

 

 

LOST SEASON 6 – FIRST FOUR MINUTES ONLINE

I’m a huge Lost fan, so when I found the first four minutes of next weeks season premiere online I thought, “I need to post this”. Then I watched it and realized that it’s three and half minutes of things we’ve seen before and fifteen seconds of something new. If you want to check it out go here, for everyone else, here’s a picture of Anna Kournikova. Look she’s playing her tennis racket like a guitar, clever stuff.

FRIDAY FREE-FOR-ALL

Saturday is hockey day in Canada and Sunday is the men’s tennis final down under. Today is the day we hit the pub, drink Keith’s and eat burning hot wings. So lets get to it.

1. Ottawa over Montreal -145 – Alfie and the boys look to win their franchise record ninth straight. They’ll get it done on home ice here as they continue to get stellar goaltending and timely goals.

2. The Canucks over the Leafs –150 – The Canucks fly into to Toronto on Saturday looking to keep their win streak alive. No surprise here as they keep rolling and the Leafs keep sliding.

3. Pro Bowl over 54 1/2 – The NFL made a huge move this year, moving their annual all-star game to the week before the Super Bowl. I love the fact that it’s at the same location as the big game but I hate the fact that no one’s playing in the big game.

4. Federer over Murray –180 – I remember two years ago the guys over at PTI said that Roger Federer was done and he wouldn’t win another Major. Since then he’s won three and been in the finals at the two he lost. Look for him to pick up major number six-teen this weekend, and if we aren’t already, lets start calling him the best ever.

HOW TO PEE WITH MORNING WOOD

As men, we often wake in the morning with what most scientists call “morning wood”. Us laymen call it “nocturnal penile tumescence”.

In 2005, Bancroft hypothesized that,

The noradrenergic neurons of the locus ceruleus are inhibitory to penile erection, and that the cessation of their discharge that occurs during REM sleep may allow testosterone-related excitatory actions to manifest as NPT.

Question is, how do you pee with said morning wood without painting the bathroom walls and ceiling?

One theory, as illustrated above is the lunge.

I use the bend over forwards as far as I can, trying to bend the NPT downwards.

What do you do?

And what is another cause of morning wood? Oh ya! It’s this web site. HERE YOU GO!

“Prepare to have your nocturnal penile tumescence chopped down like a tree.”

LET’S GO STREAKING!!

Some big winning streaks going on in the NHL right now. The Sens and Capitals have both won eight in a row while the Vancouver Canucks aren’t too far behind with six consecutive victories. Over in the NBA our beloved Raptors have overcome trailing double-digits to win four straight and the Calgary Flames have even jumped on the band-wagon, starting a nice streak of there own.

COMIN’ FOR THAT NUMBER ONE SPOT!!

The HMB? Crew has made another appearance at the Wingporium, searching for the position of General for THE BIG PAULBOWSKI on the Wall Of Flame.

I officially witnessed TBP throw back a full pound of the Black Mamba wings in less than 5 minutes.

In related news, here is 5 reasons why the IPAD SUCKS:

No camera, no USB, no multi-tasking, no flash, no VOIP, to big to bring, to small to use, no disk drive, touch keyboard, half the hard drive my Zune has, huge bezel, fingerprints, no hdmi, no dvi, 4:3, nice eyes, hmb?

Thanks to BRAD HICKS for the pic.

3-D IS THE NEW 2-D

Big news out of Hollywood today. The guys over at Aintitcoolnews are reporting that 2010 is the year that 3-D is going to take over. Building on the success of Avatar, a couple of of other movies coming out this year will be done entirely in 3-D. First will be the Clash of the Titans. followed up by the final two parts of the Harry Potter saga.

I think the real question on everyone’s mind is where’s the 3-D porn?

A DOUBLE SHOT OF MORNING SEXPRESSO

In  Washington state last year, five drive thru coffee shops were shut down and charged with….. prostitution, after customers complained that they could give the girls extra money for a little bit of a show.

Like if i was offended by something I wouldn’t pay someone to do it, go home, salute the general and two soldiers while I think of it, clean up, and then phone in a complaint to my local police department.

In fact, I would probably pick up a three-a-day coffee habit just to support these girls who are obviously just trying to make their way through medical school hooker college my pants.

THE HOTTEST WING I EVER ATE

Location: Duffer’s @ Mission Creek Golf Course in Kelowna
Date: June 26, 2008 @ 19:43:11 PST

Now that the setting is set the story begins.

Once upon a time there was a little boy. This little boy was out at the local pub for some Keith’s and chicken wings. A friend working at the pub recommended that he try a certain hot wing. (#3 on THIS list of the top 10 hottest sauces)

A singular wing was brought along with a waiver, a manager, and several kitchen staff.

I will cut to the chase and say that the little boy signed the waiver and ate the wing in a few swift bites. The ensuing physical, mental, and emotional battle was one of the most intense situations of the boys entire life.

Drool pooled in the boys mouth until he could hold it no longer, releasing it over the edge of the patio and onto the practice putting green. Dry-heaving, the boy ran to the washroom, only to vomit nothing but fire air for what felt like an eternity.

Returning to the patio table, Keith’s was drank faster than bottles of water in Haiti. Eventually, by drinking water and milk, the pain finally left the boy’s mouth leaving him dizzy and out of breath. With heart pounding and lips swollen, the boy returned home where he was laid to bed.

However, this is not where the story ends.

I will save my literary expertise on the description of the following morning’s events.

Needless to say, the little boy missed a day of work and slept most of the day away on the bathroom floor.

Why did the boy do this to himself? Who was he trying to impress? Why does he continue such activities?

COMING SOON: THE BIG PAULBOWSKI TRIES TO CLIMB THE RANKS OF THE WALL OF FLAME BY EATING AS MANY BLACK MAMBA CHICKEN WINGS AS HE PHYSICALY CAN!!

KEEP ‘EM COMING

Just wanted to thank some of you for sending in pictures and comments that you thought we might like to post. If anyone has any good stuff for us send it to HMBeers@Gmail.com and we’ll give you a shout out. Just try to keep the nipples covered…there’s kids browsing.

FOR THE GAMERS

If you’re like me, then you’ve been spending way too much time lately playing COD: Modern Warfare 2 and ignoring your girlfriends. Lucky for us the people over at Flop Culture have designed a new controller, allowing you to spend time with your online buddies(HMB?) and your girl.

(Thanks to Dre for the Pic)

MORNING WOOD

Here at HMB? we love Alexander Keith’s and chicken wings. Since beer is a whole lot sexier than chicken wings, the first ever instalment of Morning Wood is some lovely ladies from Alexander Keith’s.

How many beers would it take for the ugly one?

Which one IS the ugly one?

Note: Morning Wood was posted at 6:32 AM EST while you were still sound asleep.